I Became a Statistic

Every 2 minutes someone in America becomes a victim of sexual assault. That means by the time you finish listening to your favorite song or reading this post 2-4 people have been assaulted.

  

You never think it could happen to you:

I would never walk alone at night, I would never go down a dark alley, I would never get myself in that situation, etc. 

I never thought it would happen to me either. Until it did... 

I wasn't walking by myself, I wasn't drunk, I wasn't alone. I was in a bar full of people and surrounded by friends, I had maybe 2 drinks, I was dancing, having fun, and within a few minutes some stranger changed my life. 

He decided that he was in control of what I wanted. Never asked and I never saw it coming. I thought a million things would run through my mind but nothing did. Finally, I hit him and grabbed my friends and got as far away as possible. 

After the fact I clearly was in denial. Nothing wrong happened, it was my fault, I was asking for it, I deserved it. My friends reminded me that was not true. That is when the tears started. 

 

Then I began to spiral downward. There is no specific manual for how to act after a sexual assault, trust me I googled it. Everyone is different and you become an expert at yourself. 

The first night I was in shock. The second night I cried and slept ridiculous amounts. The third night I got drunk. The fourth night I decided enough was enough, I want to be okay. 

Sometimes it just hits me and I begin to cry (I never used to cry) and then I can't stop. Sometimes I get really angry at everyone around me because they don't get it. Sometimes it is harder than I thought it would be. I was walking across campus and stopped at a crosswalk and a guy biked up next to me. Then the smell of the stranger's cologne from that night hit me. I started shaking and my palms got really sweaty. The guy on the bike (very good-looking) did nothing wrong, he did not even know and yet it took me 10 minutes to calm myself down. 

So, for anyone out there who has gone through this the one thing I am realizing is it is okay to not be "over it". Someday I will stop thinking about it all the time. Someday I will be able to go downtown with my friends again. Someday I will laugh again more than I talk. Every day I get a little closer to that "someday".

 

People post all the time when they are a victim of a robbery, a burglary, a hit and run, a car accident, or when they physically get injured but assault has become the victim's fault and something to be ashamed of. I know I was ashamed. Then I realized if I wanted to change the stigma around sexual assault I had to start with myself. Sweeping it under the rug just adds to the problem. 

Friends/Family, you do not have to have the answers for someone. Just being there means the world to us. Just reminding us that it is going to be okay someday but maybe it is not okay today and that's just fine. Even after going through this I could not tell you what the perfect words I would want to hear are. But, I can tell you that reminding us that you love us and just allowing us to cry when needed or laugh when needed is important. Going to Chipotle with us and just letting us talk about nothing always helps (maybe that's a personal one!) Understanding that when isolation takes over and we just want to be left alone that it is not personal. Getting offended only makes us feel worse. It is not about you it is about us trying to heal. 
Our lives have been shaken up and we just need some stability from someone. That someone can be you.

Please, do not treat me like a delicate flower because I am not. I am still the sassy, sarcastic, funny(in my opinion) person you always knew. Now I am also an advocate. I am someone that can remind people they are not alone. I am someone others can turn to when nobody else understands.  I am a statistic and I am going to help change the stigma. 

"Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it."